Henry Otter and the Chemisty Teacher's Stone
by Snaps For Daryl
Summary: A parody on the age old classic of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
1. The First day of School

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling and should forever stay that way. The parody names and Ideas belong to me of course.

Today was the first day of Warthog School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Henry Otter was extraordinarily nervous because it was his first time in a school and a magical school at that. Gridlock took Henry to the train station that morning and gave him his rather unusual ticket "platform 9 ¾? What the hell," Henry said as looking at his ticket. He saw Gridlock running toward the station exit before he could enquire about this ticket. "Hmmm, that must be his grand exit," Henry said to himself.

As he walked up to the station master he started to have second thoughts about this whole "having a great gift and going to school for it" thing. He knew the answer to his question before he even asked it. "Sir, do you know where platform 9 ¾ is," he asked. "Are you out of your bloody mind? There's not platform 9 ¾," the rather gruff station master replied. Henry started to walk to platform 9 hoping for a miracle. He looked to his right and saw a rather plump woman with five children walking rapidly toward the wall between platforms 9 and 10.

As he watched what appeared to be her oldest son walk straight through the wall, he knew this family was his miracle. "Excuse me, could you tell me how to….,"

"How to get onto the platform? Of course! Just walk straight at the wall," the woman replied to Henry's nervous fragment of a question. Henry, with his trolley in hand, did exactly what the woman said. All of a sudden, a train with the words _Warthog Express _appeared before his eyes.

Henry walked onto the train and found himself an empty compartment where he could sit and try to grasp everything that was happening around him. After twenty minutes of alone time, one of the red haired woman's children approached him and asked if he could sit with him because everywhere else was full. "Rum Scmeadly's the name," the red-head said. "Hello, I'm Henry Otter," Henry replied.

"Bloody Hell! You're Henry Otter!"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Right, sorry"

The trolley witch came by, and Henry with his newfound riches bought one of everything. As the two boys were enjoying their cauldron cakes, a girl about their age entered the compartment and said, "Has anyone seen a toad? This real wanker Neville has lost his." Upon saying this she became really aware of whom she was in the presence of. "Great Scott! You're Henry Otter," she expressed rather loudly. "I'm Hammerhead Grungy," she said to both the boys.

After repairing Henry's glasses in an attempt to show Rum up, she left to continue looking for the wanker's toad.

Author's Note: Please reply. This is my first parody and would love to hear the audience's opinion! Thanks so much.


	2. The First Night of School

Finally the train stopped after what seemed like an eternity of waiting. All of the first years met up with Gridlock where he would show them how to get to the castle. "All right Firs' years, you'll have to walk seein' as how the boats were 'mysteriously' broken," Gridlock said while sporting a pair of rather obvious shifty eyes. A giant "awww man!" could be heard throughout the land as the first years heard this rather distressing news. "How come we have to walk when all the other kids get to ride in nice little luxury vehicles," Henry blurted out.

"Shut your fa-oh it's you Henry! I thought it was tha' dolt Bake-o Mouthfuls whinin' again. You have to walk because like I said earlier, the boats are uh….broken, that's right, broken and because you lot are the 'newbies'," Gridlock answered.

After walking quite some time, Gridlock escorted all the first years into the great hall where Professor MyHiney Transsexual would choose which houses they were in based solely on looks alone. Once everyone was in the hall, the "sorting" began. After twenty students, Professor Transsexual got to Hammerhead Grungy. "Hammerhead Grungy you shall be placed in the house of KnockonDoor because you just look like a giant nerd," she said to her. After continual "sorting", Professor Transsexual came across Henry Otter. "Well Mr. Otter," she began. "The scar you bear has great importance. Because of your scar alone, you shall be placed in KnockonDoor." Finally, she had finished sorting the students into one of the four houses, KnockonDoor, SnakeSkin, Puffalump, and ShaveyourMaw.

With a feast in their bellies, everyone went to their according dormitories and slept the night away. Henry began to have a wild dream. He dreamt he was in a dark office of some kind and there was a man with a white lab coat on. The man with the white lab coat was holding some kind of stone. Just as the man was about to speak, Henry woke up in a cold sweat. "What could these dreams mean," he pondered to himself. Henry decided a hot shower would help clear his head before returning to bed. Thirty minutes later, Henry was back in his bed and fast asleep under his rainbow comforter.

Author's Note: Sorry it took FOREVER to update. I was having a spell of writer's block. Tell me what you think of my parody as of now please. It is much appreciated!


	3. Classes and Aprons

Henry awoke with a start as he recalled the events of last night's dream. Had the man in the white lab coat been just a dream? Henry felt as if he had seen this man before. Henry decided he shouldn't worry about such things today because it was his first day of classes. Oh how he was excited to finally begin his journey into the magical world of well…..magic. As Henry was walking toward the dining hall, his eye caught Hammerhead bending over to pick up fallen textbooks. Those green orbs of his couldn't help but wander toward the little cleavage her robes allowed.

'What does this mean?' he left himself wondering. Now on top of his freaky dream, he had to worry about "other" kinds of dreams as well. As soon as he finished his breakfast he headed toward charms with Professor Dimwit. The class went exceptionally well except for the fact that the professor expressed his utter desire to take advantage of Henry in his office just for saving the wizarding world from Lord Moldybread. 'Better watch out for him' Henry thought to himself.

Next was "potions" with Professor Tape. Everyone knew the class was a home economics class disguised as potion making. Once everyone was seated, Professor Tape stormed into the room and began his lesson. The entire class was stifled with laughter at the fact that Professor Tape was teaching with his favorite pink apron he had obviously forgotten to take off after making himself a nice bunt. Riddled with embarrassment, Tape snatched the apron off and bellowed that anyone who dare speak of his frilly yet manly apron would be expelled in no time.

Naturally the whole school was talking about by the end of the day. All during dinner Professor MyHiney was making "eyes" at Tape because she found his pink apron oddly attractive. Henry, Rum, and Hammerhead all decided to walk back to their dorm where they could laugh hysterically for hours without getting points taken away, let alone expulsion. After an extensive amount of laughter and snorting, they all decided to go to bed. Henry couldn't help but notice the way Hammerhead swayed her hips seductively as she walked toward her dormitory. 'Mustn't look at friend in sexual manner' Henry kept repeating to himself hoping the slight bulge in his pants would go away.

Henry began to toss and turn as he had another one of his White Lab Coat man dreams. This time he actually got to hear the man speak. "It's mine, all mine," the man said as he laughed the way evil genius's do. Henry awoke in a cold sweat. Not knowing what to do next, he got up, went to the bathroom, and then snuggled comfortably under his rainbow comforter once more.

Author's Note: Ok this chapter kind of sucks because I wrote it late at night when I was really tired. I thought I'd throw in a little romance to spice it up a bit. Tell me what you think. Thanks so much.


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